It would be cliché for me to lament about how hard and challenging the last 10 months have been for me <– I know, cry me a river….blah, blah. Anyway, because of those occurrences, I have allowed myself to succumb to a “snake eats tail” cycle of hurt, blame, anger and pain. I’ve lost focus, direction, energy and the lust for life I had prior.
Within this observation and reflection, I’ve deduced that its all my problem – duh! Here a few of my
Somehow I’ve made “money” the segue to my passions and freedoms. This is not to say that I idolize money and/or am a materialistic man – it means that I’ve reduced self to think that the only way I will be able to exercise said freedoms is by having money – lots of it. I thought if I had lots of money, then I could help people, buy them groceries, pay their bills, buy them out of debt, provide myself a myriad of new experiences and of course a few toys. Superficially, it appears that if I had access to lots of money, I could solve many of my problems and the problems of others however, I know better – or do I? I’d like to think I’m in tune with self enough to know that money is NOT the “fixer-er” of all problems but man, does it seem like it! I need to recalibrate my perspective to subscribe to a currency to be that not of money, but other passions that truly allow personal freedom to be exercised. You look at Jay Z, Oprah, Steve Jobs, Macolm X etc.. that did what they do/did based on PASSION not success or money. Those things were the result of their passion. ***clears throat, um now where to start? What’s my passion?***
I don’t have many friends or people that I consider close to me – I can count them with my fingers. Somehow I allow their perspectives, wants and energy to manifest themselves into MY perspectives, wants, and energy. I remember when I took myself to Malaysia for my birthday, I told the closest 3 people in my life and their responses were:
- …why can’t we both together?
- I wish WE could go…
- You always go on trips…
Each of those responses was received on the same day that I shared the news and officiated my itinerary. One of those people was not born in this country, the other has traveled to more than 5 countries and the other traveled to more than 3. I hadn’t traveled to any at all and remember feeling sad and upset. In my mind I couldn’t understand why the first thing out of their mouths wasn’t something like, “OMG, I’m happy for you”, “have fun”, or “pick me up something” – all of that came after their initial responses. 9 months later I have to remind myself of a few VERY important things:
- Everyone is entitled to feel however they want to feel about things
- No one has to care, like or want what I care about, like or want
My error was in carrying those responses in myself and internalizing them into “pain”. That’s a big no, no. This reminds me again, of a more recent event – a big one that left 2 important people to me very unhappy. Their unhappiness is expressed to me in their behavior towards me and how they speak to me – saying less than favorable things to me and reminding me that they do not support my choice over and over again. Naturally, I’ve held this inside trying to “fix” it, review it, negotiate it and even compromise. Each of them to me, has treated me unfairly respectively and I assume I could go on and on about how they do this or that – but again, this is not about them – it’s about me. Sooo, since they are allowed to think, feel and act as they want, I am too. I’ve regressed to a place that‘s safe for me and place that I won’t’ internalize their energy. It’s hard because of what they are bothered by, they choose not to speak to me about it objectively.
My confidence. Uggg. I don’t even know where to being on this one however, I know its lower than needed to be where I want to go. ***what to do? shrugs***
I somewhat envy those that have that singular focus, dacing, singing, politics, nursing – I wish I had one focus but the truth of the matter is I do not. Surely, this cannot be bad right? I just need to sort myself out. Usually I’m able to help everyone else do so, but…
I don’t feel like writing any more…