Expectations? Marriage? Numbers?

VERY interesting…good one Taj!

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10 thoughts on “Expectations? Marriage? Numbers?

  1. First thing’s first, I can’t stand when major media reports on ethnic issues, always seem to have racial undertones. Now that that’s out of the way..

    This is partial bullshit… First there are a lot of social issues that are the root of a lot of unavailable Black men, but with that aside; there are a LOT of good black men out there, plenty. Problems exist on both side, Black Men and Black Women. There are more and more upper echelon Black men, but what are most women doing to align themselves to attract and retain them? I love Black women, raised by them, and I am married to a strong Black Woman, but the choices of quality Black women are just as slim. Yes, Black women outnumber Black men, but…. It’s not necessary economic and education level, but it is personality, relationship attitude, and relationship intelligence. Many Black Women need to do self-reflection to discover the real reason they are not able to find a good man, or do they really want a quality man because he will be “too demanding” or require too much from the relationship.

    My personal opinion is many Black Women need to get their Minds Right. I am a 30 year old Business Executive, high income, investments,and making moves. There have not been many Black Women I met my age on the same level in totality.

    I think we as a people (African Decent in the Americas) have a lot of issues to workout, until then it is going to be a struggle with relationships.

    – Tareef

  2. Forgot to add, I think it is hard to have two people who are very ambitious, high achieving, strong people in a relationship/marriage and both people are satisfied 100% of the time. Most Women I have met that are Executives, and have high careers and not as willing to be in the traditional Wife Role of catering to their Man/Husband, not talking about a house wives. For many Executive Black Men, this is what the want, and feel they need. Many reasons why ‘quality’, executive Black Men date/marry other than Black women.

  3. @ Tareef, I agree. i am going to lean more on the male chauvinist side for a second ladies…

    The woman in the video are sooo typical. “They” have a list of what they want but never once did I hear what they will give! I also agree with Steve Harvey being that if you continue to have these unrealistic standards and lists then you will NEVER be married. In addition, I think these women need to get past the material accumulation and look for more sustenance within them selves/mate.

    I personally have done both blue collar work in addition to my current executive work and seem to be able to have relations with either class of woman…

  4. @Tareef and Dimitri- I don’t think there is anything chauvinistic about anything either of you said. I agree wholeheartedly that the issue at hand is a community issue, and our mindsets are definitely off key. Steve Harvey had it correct when he mentioned our ancestors not passing on the torch for raising our families in love and self love. But now that we know that, what are we going to do about it? I don’t see anything wrong with having standards. I don’t want a fat dude. I’m sorry. I don’t want a man who only thinks about himself and not the world we live in; I just can’t do it. But when your standards have six figures attached to them, well then, that’s a problem. The average black person doesn’t make that much anyway so your personal criterion has taken you out the game. Like Dimitri stated, materialism is at the heart of the matter for these women. Perhaps they are not really looking for love…

    Today’s black women (myself included:), have been raised to be independent go-getters. Somewhere along the line the relationship piece was left out. Besides, most of us don’t even have a positive example to look to, or don’t have the patience to learn.

    A black man is a force to be reckoned with. Throughout history black men have been sought after. The world knows his power. If only we did. If only he did. I see him learning, though. More and more black men are getting their stuff together, desiring more than the status quo, more than what he has been told be society than he can have. This makes me hopeful because maybe soon we will start to rebuild our families and reprogram our mindsets to include more than just the material things. But love, and self love. Forget the expectations, marriage, and numbers…

  5. Very interesting piece. First, the problem for these women lies not in their standards, but in the energy they put out to other people. If almost every guy you “date” ONLY wants to keep you as his back pocket girl, then that should tell them something. They are missing the piece that makes someone want to be with you and build with you. I don’t know if it is a lack of trust for these women or what exactly their “problems” are, but to me, they all lack a certain warmth to them. They almost don’t seem genuine. And a good Black man, can read through that every time.

    Everyone has standards, I think the key is having realistic ones that you can still be happy with. You have to know your absolute deal breakers first, and then move on from there. I think one of the hardest things to find is real chemistry. It is either there or not. You can’t fake it. And the harder part is keeping that chemistry going. If you can still make me get a feeling about you 6 months from now, then no matter how great you are, I can not accept that. I want excitement, I want passion, I want to still find you intriguing and interesting 6 years from now, not just 6 months.

    I am also going to agree that our parents didn’t do such a great job at raising our generation. We can not overlook how many Black men and just content to have several women, and make commitments to none of them. I try to remember every day that the son I am raising will be married to someone someday. I want to raise him to be the kind of mate that I would not just enjoy being with, but actively pursue and seek out. I want him to understand that his actions have ramifications more far reaching than he understands. I don’t want him to be the type of man that I wouldn’t be able to bring home to meet mama.

  6. I think that the “relationship” aspect of life has gotten further and further away from the main goal…LOVE. It has turned into a competition on plenty of levels: Social Status, Education, Money, etc.

    I agree with Steve Harvey in his statement about standards…and I think we all are guilty of setting out standards too high sometimes; just as we all have been on the “roller coaster” of life…sometimes we are up and sometimes we are down, but I believe that if LOVE was the focus…things would be a little different. We can’t ALL be in the same place at the same time in our lives, but if we find someone that we connect with and that we could possibly LOVE…it’s our duty to HELP that person, be that hand or push to get over the “speedbumps” put in the way. All the will do is allow growth personally and together!!!

  7. This is such a loaded topic and I have sooooo much to say, so I will try to keep my thoughts short and focused, but it won’t be easy…lol. Okay, here are my 2 cents on the matter.

    It does not take a genius to realize that the black male/black female relationship has been in shambles for the longest time. Why? Well, I think many reasons have been presented in previous comments: unrealistic expectations, lack of self love, consequences for high ambitions or material gain, etc. It just saddens me that the attempt to destroy the black man/black woman/black family long ago (not saying attempts have not completely stopped) are still reeking havoc in situations such as this today. When will we ever regain control?

    I agree wholeheartedly with a previous commenter and the women in this video are starting to become the new stereotype of black women. I have mixed feelings about the piece myself, but at least it has opened up a new dialogue on dating and the black woman. We are kind of moving away from the “angry black woman stereotype” …well almost.

    I do not believe that there is anything wrong with having high standards/expectations, a list of qualities, being successful, etc. I believe Tareef hit the nail on the head when he noted that we all, black men and women , have some serious issues that we need to work out before we can really have healthy, fulfilling, and strong relationship. We need to deal with our daddy/mommy issues and get over the “Tyrone’s” or other individuals who might have hurt us in the past.

    I can’t help but to be reminded of the school spirit skits on Kanye West’s “College Dropout” album. There is one skit in particular where the guy is talking about how he doesn’t need a women because he has his college degrees to keep him warm at night. As comical as this skit is, I think it highlights the ambitions of our generation; we put love/happiness/personal relationships aside at some point in our pursuit of wealth or whatever the heck it is we are seeking. At one point in our lives it seems to me that we were okay without or without true companionship or simply okay with causal companionship because we didn’t want anything to get in the way of our pursuits. Now it seems to me that we are getting older and reality is sinking in that we missed out on something… something big. Yes, we are doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs, teachers, etc, but now we are we truly satisfied? Was it all worth it in the end?

    Whew, that was a mouthful and I still didn’t even scratch the surface…lol. How do we get out of this mess?

  8. These types of statistics frustrate me as I have a different take on this issue.

    Although there may be a grain of truth to many of the statements made on this topic, we must remember that WE all are very much in control of our lives and there are spiritual reasons for everything that we experience on this earthly plane.

    With that being said, I wholeheartedly believe that there are many good people out there. I want to be perfectly clear when I say that I do not believe that all (or a large proportion of) the good black men are in some way “damaged” or “unavailable.”

    Additionally, I do not believe that black women collectvely are in some way uniquely disadvantaged when it comes to dating or marriage in comparison to women of other ethnic backgrounds.

    Here’s why: if that is Someone’s reality, then that Person has in some way created that reality for Him or Herself.

    People, we are in control of our realities and the danger of these statistics and so-called reports/discussions is that they cause many of us to adopt a belief system that is extremely detrimental to us.

    Let me say that again. People, it harms US to believe these things about Ourselves. We limit Ourselves by believing things that don’t have to be true for Ourselves.

    We need to take control of our realities and stop allowing others to decide Our realities for US.

    Although discussions on this topic can be very enlightening and thought provoking, one of the problems with discussions on this topic is that they can end up being very unproductive and devoid of any real solutions.

    Thoughts are things and WE bring what WE feel and think into existence, both in an individual and collective sense.

    Are there institutionalized social and political problems? Definitiely! And they should be addressed. However, I would offer that part of the problem and the solution can be found within the collective consciousness…

    ~C

  9. @ C, I concur and further add that until we acknowledge, understand and use our collective conscious system problems will simply continue to occur.

    Unfortunately, in my eyes, its going to take a MAJOR catastrophic event to reset humanities current thought/views. And even then there will still be a lure of regress.

  10. So true! It will indeed take something MAJOR. Nti touched on this as well. There is a lot of healing and reflection that needs to take place.

    ~C

Please use the comments to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data, ability to repeat discredited memes, and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Also, be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor even implied. Any irrelevancies you can mention will also be appreciated. Lastly, kindly forgo all civility in your discourse . . . you are, after all, anonymous :)

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