Just a little fake

I can be gregarious.

I can be sullenly silent.

Either way, observant. Watching, studying, taking internal notes. It’s my job.

There are recollections of things said that make me burst out laughing when I’m alone, watching television or in the shower, lying awake in bed, mid-conversation, trying to work, eating dinner.

For this reason alone, holidays excite me. Anxiety tends to stunt a fondness for large group gatherings making sitting at home in pajamas, glasses and snot rags a hands-down preference.

But, again, it’s these particular conversations that provide me with secret jollies. The volley of words exuding the hyper-excited cheer of family and friends as they sit around the table sharing their keen sensations of the world currently around them.

Food being the center of the universe.

Here are some gourmet-friendly statements I guarantee–without fail, whether true or not–that will be heard around any dining room table at holidays, summer BBQs, family reunions and the like, in any small town or city, far and wide, rich or poor, across the country.

• Corn on the cob. “This corn is so sweet!” “Mmm, it is…and tender!” “You know, I can’t remember a year this good for corn.”

• Cake. “This cake is so moist.” “…and rich!”

• Turkey. “Wow, this turkey is so moist. I’ve never had turkey so moist! It’s not dry at all.”

• Pie. “Oh, God, this crust is amazing.” “So flaky!”

• Apple Pie. “mmm…so tart!”

• Steak. “It’s like cutting through butter.”

• Pizza. “I could literally live on pizza.” “I know…I can eat it every day.”

• Cookies. “Who made these cookies? I have got to have the recipe.”

• Mashed Potatoes. “Sooo creamy.” “I’m not hungry, but I’ve got to have more.”

• Stuffing. “You have not had stuffing until you’ve tried my mother’s.”

• General. Grunts and “mmms” and “oh my God, so good.”

• Foods you don’t like. Despite having disliked a certain food or dish for your entire life, someone is sure to tell you that you will change your mind if you try their own recipe, or another’s dish they find delectable. This also applies to said recipe possessing magic beans which will seemingly devoid you of any allergies you may have to an ingredient therein. If the stench of throwing up a little in your mouth doesn’t deter them, simply indicate clearly with your middle finger that you are having stomach “issues.” Maybe next time.

The list goes on and on, but these are a selection of commonly uttered phrases boasting food delight that one tends to hear repeatedly.

That’s not to say I haven’t been guilty of uttering one or all of them. But having something to watch for and snicker quietly about sure does add an amusing element to the dinner table family and friend food fanaticism which is the heart of any home grown gathering.

And I smile with love and enjoyment as mealtime cheers are bid. I raise my wine glass and silently wonder to myself how many times I will hear in the next three minutes oh, this is such good wine! It goes down so smoothly! So sweet! So dry! Wow! This really packs a punch!

Bon appétit, mes amis!


Please use the comments to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data, ability to repeat discredited memes, and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Also, be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor even implied. Any irrelevancies you can mention will also be appreciated. Lastly, kindly forgo all civility in your discourse . . . you are, after all, anonymous :)

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