Walmart – Walnot

So I realize that I said that Wal-Mart is where the idiots convene, and I suppose you think that since I shop there from time to time that I’m also lumped in that group? Well, that’s where you are wrong my friend. I am the exception to the rule of course. I’m merely the idiot observer who goes there out of pure convenience since Wally World is less than a mile from my house. Trust me, I would much rather go to Target since it’s so upscale and all, but it’s about 5 miles from my house. You can see my dilemma.

It’s not Wal-Mart itself that bugs the shit out of me, it’s the onslaught of idiots that shop there. They really do hinder my shopping experience. I want to get what I need and occasionally get a nice glimpse from the soft curves of a female ass. You see, I’m not your typical shopper. I’ve got my shopping list on an excel spread sheet laid out by the order of the aisles of store that I’m shopping in. (yes, yes mild OCD). I just like to get in, get out, and get on with my flippin life. I promise you my being overly organized cuts my shopping time in half if not more. However, this is not the way my trips to Wal-Mart typically go.

Back to the idiots. They’ve completely taken over and it’s evident even before I walk into the establishment. Why do I say that? You know the big print above the doors that say ENTER and EXIT? Well, it’s apparent that people in these parts have issues with reading and following instructions. So the idiots in question jack up the flow of the incoming and outgoing traffic of oversized lard asses with 3 teeth that frequent Wal-Mart. You have no idea how many people I have wanted to totally take out and flatten with my squeaky ass wheel wobbling ghetto shopping cart when I’m trying to flee the store. But noooo I’m face to face with 50 assholes trying to enter the store through the EXIT door.

So typically I’m mildly irritated at this point because it took 4 1/2 minutes to enter this damn store. Now I have to bob and weave through the aisles assuming I can get around the lazy asses that are plugging up the aisles on their scooters with uncharged batteries – thanx to the friendly neighborhood staff. I’m not talking about the legit handicapped folks either. I’m talking about the 900 lb people that are cruising the snack aisle in a very slow fashion… but WAIT… They’ve spotted the fat laden snack they were looking for and all of the sudden they pop off that scooter like toast and sprint to the box of Ding Dongs as though they were the last box on the planet. At that point I think I’m going crazy because I hear the scooter tires reinflate again and I could have sworn they moaned “thank you GAWD!” However, I can’t be sure…

So finally I’m able to maneuver my cart around and get the various things I need plus the cart full of stuff that I didn’t need. I flip a coin and try and decide which check out person is going to be the fastest or the self checkout line with the number challenged person who cannot decipher 12 items or LESS!

SHopping at Wal-mart trully expresses the inner fabric of Americans – go figure.

This is why I love to shop online!


6 thoughts on “Walmart – Walnot

  1. k…so if you put in to practice the philosophy of online shopping you won’t run in to the idiots at Wally World and, oh by the way, those same idiots are out in full force on the roads as they meander their way to WW. Sooooo, thought we’d concur the top 10 reasons NOT to shop at Walmart remain:

    10.)There will NEVER be a time when you can get in and get out in a reasonable time;
    9.) Even if you park your car at the opposite end of the parking lot some loser will hunt you down and ding your car;
    8.) You can always bank on a percentage of the inventory being strewn, squished, splashed or splattered across one of the aisles and no doubt stuck on the sole of your favorite shoe;
    7.) You will always see at least one bad ass kid throwing a temper tamper as snot hangs from his nose or is stuck to the purple kool-aid on his face…and the parent shops on or bribes him w/ sugar;
    6.) The above referenced baby mamma will have a not so lovely ‘muffin top’ belly pimple popped out of the top of her jeans where one pant leg is ripped just below her size 16 butt cheek;
    5.) Count on the above referenced baby mamma’s mamma (translated, G-mamma to bad ass kid) will be flashing her size 40 DD boobs for all the world to see (without asking or wanting, no less) without a bra to lock and load — perhaps this could replace the ‘nice glimpse….of a female ass’…lol
    4.) Look forward to the above referenced baby daddi with a not so full grill of gold….nor enamel (translated…several teeth missing);
    3.) Know that 1 out of every 3 times you leave Wally World to return to your car, a grocery cart will be firmly planted up against your nice, clean, not rusted or sporting a ‘donut’;
    2.) Fear that each time you enter Wally World to shop you take on a small percentage of the attributes of those idiots you are cursing….NO, NO, it simply can’t be; and
    the number one reason NOT to shop at Wally World…
    1.) Each of those freakin’ idiots know four more idiots who know four more idiots who know and shop at WW….well, you get the picture.

    Shop on, Shop online, Shop in Peace…

  2. I agree totally, solely and wholeheartedly with Victoria. You Go Girl!!! Or should I say Mrs. Letterman ?
    But I do believe you need a #11 on that list….let’s not forget the stench of sitting garbage and upon your departure wheeling pass the restrooms the stench of ‘you know what’ with the smell of cheap toilet hangers to TRY and overpower the ‘you know what’ smell…..ahhhhhhh, the wonderful ‘shopping experience’ of WW!
    I personally LOVE Tar-je’ but I don’t have a choice, affordability is my convenience for shopping there, So lump as you may Dimitri I am one of those idiots along with you.

    Your reasoning sounds like it makes you feel better….idiot observer….nice, and that good old ‘for the convenience line. The difference of 4 miles from Wally World to Tar-je’….. hmmmmm…..soft curvy asses, a very nice treat (IF you should encounter any) for that not so pleasant shopping experience.
    You must have a crappy day if you only encountered the 900lb lard asses and the size 16 butt cheeks…I am gathering along with convenience you like ‘asses’ and definitely the ‘female’ kind (Dimitri is a ‘male’ name right) because I noticed you had to emphasize ‘female’ along with the soft/curve. Homophobic much??? Personally I like curves on my man’s ass, but it better damn well be HARD!!! Ha!Ha!
    If you ever want to venture out of your 1 mile trek of convenience, and “occasionally get a nice glimpse of the soft curves of a ‘female’ ass? They are all ova’ the world. And if you happen to be married, take a second look….you chose her for a reason 😉

    Happy Shopping! For asses and TP 😉

  3. LMAO these comments are quite humorous!!

    AD, welcome! No I am definitely not a homophobe, but wanted to be clear on “who’s” curves I enjoy looking as ambiguity is only enjoyable up to a brief point…lol

    Your right, there are a plethora of nice female asses “all ova the world” but I have yet to get there thus far – sooo walmart will have to do…lol

  4. Why, thank you, AD…and while not a pleasant aroma it evokes, I do concur on the #11…ha-larious!! Perhaps we can get Letterman to rethink his format as the one time a week ‘Baker’s 10’! You think!?!

  5. I just got a chance to read this post, but I thought I’d throw in my two cents before it’s too late… Wal-Mart is the very definition of the worst of America. Every time I step foot in that store, I immediately feel dirty. I don’t know how any self-respecting person can walk into that store and not feel like they need to run home for a long cold shower to wash the filth off.

    Ok, perhaps that was a bit harsh, but Wal-Mart really is pretty awful. It is not possible, anywhere in America, to walk into a WM and not find someone, typically mildly obese, fawning over some shoddy piece of consumerist garbage while contemplating which flavor of hot pocket he or she should eat next. I avoid WM like the plague. Sometimes I find myself forced to go there out of sheer necessity and lack of other available options. At least Target has the good sense to cater to the elitist bargain shopper in all of us.

Please use the comments to demonstrate your own ignorance, unfamiliarity with empirical data, ability to repeat discredited memes, and lack of respect for scientific knowledge. Also, be sure to create straw men and argue against things I have neither said nor even implied. Any irrelevancies you can mention will also be appreciated. Lastly, kindly forgo all civility in your discourse . . . you are, after all, anonymous :)

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