So I realize that I said that Wal-Mart is where the idiots convene, and I suppose you think that since I shop there from time to time that I’m also lumped in that group? Well, that’s where you are wrong my friend. I am the exception to the rule of course. I’m merely the idiot observer who goes there out of pure convenience since Wally World is less than a mile from my house. Trust me, I would much rather go to Target since it’s so upscale and all, but it’s about 5 miles from my house. You can see my dilemma.
It’s not Wal-Mart itself that bugs the shit out of me, it’s the onslaught of idiots that shop there. They really do hinder my shopping experience. I want to get what I need and occasionally get a nice glimpse from the soft curves of a female ass. You see, I’m not your typical shopper. I’ve got my shopping list on an excel spread sheet laid out by the order of the aisles of store that I’m shopping in. (yes, yes mild OCD). I just like to get in, get out, and get on with my flippin life. I promise you my being overly organized cuts my shopping time in half if not more. However, this is not the way my trips to Wal-Mart typically go.
Back to the idiots. They’ve completely taken over and it’s evident even before I walk into the establishment. Why do I say that? You know the big print above the doors that say ENTER and EXIT? Well, it’s apparent that people in these parts have issues with reading and following instructions. So the idiots in question jack up the flow of the incoming and outgoing traffic of oversized lard asses with 3 teeth that frequent Wal-Mart. You have no idea how many people I have wanted to totally take out and flatten with my squeaky ass wheel wobbling ghetto shopping cart when I’m trying to flee the store. But noooo I’m face to face with 50 assholes trying to enter the store through the EXIT door.
So typically I’m mildly irritated at this point because it took 4 1/2 minutes to enter this damn store. Now I have to bob and weave through the aisles assuming I can get around the lazy asses that are plugging up the aisles on their scooters with uncharged batteries – thanx to the friendly neighborhood staff. I’m not talking about the legit handicapped folks either. I’m talking about the 900 lb people that are cruising the snack aisle in a very slow fashion… but WAIT… They’ve spotted the fat laden snack they were looking for and all of the sudden they pop off that scooter like toast and sprint to the box of Ding Dongs as though they were the last box on the planet. At that point I think I’m going crazy because I hear the scooter tires reinflate again and I could have sworn they moaned “thank you GAWD!” However, I can’t be sure…
So finally I’m able to maneuver my cart around and get the various things I need plus the cart full of stuff that I didn’t need. I flip a coin and try and decide which check out person is going to be the fastest or the self checkout line with the number challenged person who cannot decipher 12 items or LESS!
SHopping at Wal-mart trully expresses the inner fabric of Americans – go figure.
This is why I love to shop online!