For some reason today is very different day.Â All of the sudden I feel as though I am “good” at a lot of things but the “best” at none. I sit and read about business moguls, sport figures, politicians and just “regular” citizens with huge obstacles that define them.Â Within their stories you can see their purpose for life unfold and their vision clear – like they were designed just for “that thing.”
Why do I feel like I don’t know what my purpose is? Am I the next business mogul? Am I the next light-middle weight champion in mixed martial arts? What am I good at – hell what am I the best at? I don’t have or feel to know any answers, but I do know that I am a survivor. That seems to be a pretty constant trend in my life.
Maybe my purpose will unfold when the world is on its last leg and humanity has reverted to community spirit and survival. I know the CB frequency band by heart, I know Morris Code, I can fire, clean and dismantle 5 types of long and short range fire arms – yea that’s the ticket; I am the guy you can count on when the world has lost all communication, we’re stuck in a building with baked beans and a pack of old batteries to get us through it – Blah!
I look back on some of the things that have taken place in my past, not as map for my future but to give a hint of what my true purpose is.Â I mean damn, are these all events that happened b/c of my “bad” judgment, a series of unfortunate events, or the carvings of my true definition yet to be unveiled.
I don’t know, but it feels like a huge “I” for Incomplete. It’s funny because sometimes it seems as every other little boy knew what they wanted to be, stuck to it and became it. I wanted to be a “train driver” and eventually own the largest network of railroads in the US or work for Lego Corporation and own it – producing toy kits of the highest quality to young and analytical children and adolescents or build robots and be responsible for the fastest, safest, most efficient robotics in the world – sigh. Man what the hell happened? 27, confused, and NO where NEAR any of those original concepts, now what? How did I get off track? Why was I not prepared? What didn’t I learn to get my dreams accomplished? Why am I now settling for Dream D, E, F and G?
My biggest fear is to fail, to be a nobody, or just another purposeless carbon based life form taking up precious resources.Â I HAVE to be somebody, I HAVE to provide positive change for a large group of people, I HAVE to have an impact on the world, now how do I do this where with I am at now?
Perhaps my first inclination is not use my comrades as a base of comparison – after all I am the one screaming about how time is NOT linear or applicable to one standard format. Then maybe the second thing I need to do is really, really, think about “what” I want to do, then “how” to do it. Haha, well I have been in this process for three years – lol
Maybe all of these thoughts is still about from the wind still being knocked out of me from my last blow. Am I losing my mind?